Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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