Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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