True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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