He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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