Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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