I cut my penus on the lid.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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