woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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