It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Randomize
