you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
