my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
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mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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