I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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