3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
