And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
