He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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