Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
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At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
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He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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