how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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