My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
