threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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