how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
stop calling my apartment porn island.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
