I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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