Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
