He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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