i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize