Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
