my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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