I wanna bring you to show and tell
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
