how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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