What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
