i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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