Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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