Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
