Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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