Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
