Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
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I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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