Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
