she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
