I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
