hotel room ftw
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
