i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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