All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
