I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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