2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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