The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
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I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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