she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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