The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
