the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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