Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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