I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
