I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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