I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
