the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
