I wish I could punch you in the face.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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