Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
