Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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