You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
