I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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