if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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