This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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