she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Farmville is her only friend.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
