I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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