I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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