Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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