im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
