nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
