i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You made out with two different species that night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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