Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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